December 15: I like you—I really do—but we need to set some boundaries

Today is a busy day. And by busy, I mean quite a few important things are happening. And by important I mean potentially life-changing.

And I am not sure how much I want my life changed.

A few years ago when I worked in academic administration at a college, setting boundaries was seen as disloyal. If you said no to a meeting or to coming in on a vacation day, you were not a team player; you were not supporting the college.

Fun fact: I don’t work in academic administration anymore because my (former) supervisor called me in on a Friday afternoon, which I had requested off, to fire me.

To this day I regret not telling him, no. What was he going to do, fire me?

Yes, either way.

One of the great perks of now being adjunct faculty at a college is that I can say no to pretty much anything. Do I want to join the committee? No. Do I want to teach a class this semester? No. Do I want to get paid what I am worth? No.

I’m interviewing for a dean position this afternoon—a position for which I accidentally applied. Just interviewing will significantly change my profile at the college; if I get the job, it will change everything.

But by how much?

Well, by about $100Gs to start. And I won’t teach, or have summers off, or work 2-3 days a week. It’s a 5-day, year-round, 9-5, I’m-gonna-need-a-new-wardrobe kind of gig.

Says who?

I’m in the post-Covid, post-50, post-first career season of my life. And I’ve learned that saying no to the expected, the obvious, the ridiculous spurs creativity. When you say no, you say no to one thing; when you say yes, you say no to everything else.

No is not the end of the conversation, it’s the beginning. Saying no—actually responding, not begrudgingly accepting or negligently ignoring—creates options with boundaries.

The salary for the position is in exchange for my skills and contributions—and, to some extent, my time. And the resource of that money allows me to invest in time and skills that I don’t have—hello, cleaning lady! hello, professional coach! hello, captain of a 747 with round-trip service Chicago O’Hare to Paris De Gaulle.

I’m being interviewed on the basis of a professional document that says I can do great things—and I can. But nowhere on my CV do I mention mad skills with seat time or banker’s hours or brown pumps. Sorry, nice HR lady, I cannot tell you about a time when I shone in bland footwear.

When it is not an absolute yes, it is a no.

Since this position isn’t an absolute yes, it’s a no. Which means we can talk about it. And by talk, I mean I’ll interview. And by interview, I mean we’ll explore boundaries.

I like you, dean, I do, but let’s understand each other—we each have goals that we can help each other meet, and if we can let each other meet them, I think we can make this work. But if you call me in to talk on a Friday afternoon when I’ve made other plans, I’ll be doing the firing.